Is It Hard to Be a Parent Today?

Perspectives on parenting from a holistic child psychologist as we navigate the uncharted waters of the digital age.

While every new generation of parents claims they're having it worse than their predecessors, it's undeniable that raising children in the digital age poses unique obstacles that previous generations never had to deal with.

We, the parents of today, the children of GenX and Millennials, are the first generation to bring up a child who has always had access to some form of electronic media. There was a report published in 1970 by the American Academy of Pediatrics that found frequent television viewing among children began around the age of four. However, nowadays kids start interacting with digital media as early as four months old.

Our kids have grown up in a world where "IoT"—the interconnection of everything from cellphones to refrigerators to cars to computers at school—is the norm. The advent of modern technology has simplified some aspects of life, but it has also presented us with a host of new obstacles as parents. And this is all taking place as we are simultaneously learning how to thrive as adults in the digital age.

The challenge of setting appropriate limits for one's use of electronic gadgets is not exclusive to youngsters. It's not only kids that have trouble figuring out how to use technology responsibly; grownups do, too. Many of the parents who visit my clinic have admitted that they spend excessive amounts of time engrossed in electronic media, and they often express confusion about how they can support their children in developing good routines when they themselves are unable to do so.

We're all here trying to figure out how to maximise the positive effects of technology while reducing its bad ones. The good news is that there are a number of easy things we can do to make parenting in the digital era easier and more effective for our children and ourselves.

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Here Are a Few Examples of the Ideas We’re Developing as We Go Along:

Good, Hearty Food Cooked at Home.

Except for the kids of "health fanatics," who were probably compelled to eat wheat grain, most of us did not see our parents carefully planning meals around food allergies, a good balance of veggies, proteins, and carbohydrates, or any limitation of artificial additives and sugar. All my deepest sympathies. What would your parenting experience be like if you never had to stress about sugar again? The parents of the "frozen meal" age didn't teach us the difference between real oranges and orange-flavored Squeeze-Its, nor did they emphasise the importance of eating healthily. They considered any item that could be purchased in a supermarket to be edible (or gas station). So it's no surprise that fighting against our genes and decades of learned behaviour to figure out how to feed our children healthy meals — and then taking the time to buy for and cook those meals (another feat) — can feel like an uphill battle. Where are the family's hand-me-down cookbooks and recipe folders filled with food that promotes good health? No, we're the ones responsible for penning them.

Marriage Equality

We were raised with the belief that caring for children was a woman's responsibility. Since both parents assumed this to be the case, the majority of mothers were responsible for all aspects of child care, including but not limited to: household chores, meal preparation, grocery shopping, Parent Teacher Association meetings, Halloween costume creation, sick child care, Christmas presents, renting a VCR for the sleepover, and probably another ten thousand things. Sometimes dads will be brought in to help out with things like baseball practise or camping trips. We mums of today don't think it's fair that we should have to keep all the parenting secrets, and it's great that more men are showing an interest in being engaged, too, something we didn't see when we were kids. Because we have to establish the norm for what an equal partnership entails, even though we don't know what that looks like, it's inevitable that we'll make some poor initial moves.

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Interacting with the Internet

How would you feel if you were constantly stumped? Just think of all the research our parents avoided doing on car seats and BPA because they didn't have access to the same information that we know today. Don't get me wrong; I definitely benefit from using the Internet on a regular basis. They would have appreciated being able to quickly look up information like where the parties were, when the gymnastics were, and what ingredients were needed to make Ambrosia salad. The Internet, however, has made it so that we must now rely on our own resources to solve problems. Please explain the rash on your child's back. You should probably look that up. Should you list your home for sale now? Do some research. What's the best hotel for kids in Hawaii? Just look it up. Using decimals for a lengthy division?

Please do some research. The Internet has empowered everyone to act as their own personal physician, real estate agent, tour guide, and educator, which would be great if we didn't have to juggle so many other responsibilities, such as taking care of young children and potentially holding down a job, as well. We are expected to multitask at an unprecedented level, with more information and skills required of us than any previous generation. While it's true that education is the key to making wiser decisions for ourselves and our children, I've found that the mental toll is high, manifesting itself in the form of stress and exhaustion. You remember parenting being so much easier, so maybe that's why I come across as anxious and stressed. It was. Please put down the Skittles and stop sneaking them to your grandchildren.

Managing Screen Time.

Our parents have no idea how lucky they are to have missed out on this craze. There was the television, of course, a stationary box that resided in one room and which I was never admonished for watching by my parents. However, our children are constantly confronted with screens. Even while I pump gas, my children are yelling at the screen from the car window. Or the one that's already in there. It's either eat my supper in peace since there are tablets at the table, or say "no" for an hour because I can't concentrate on my food. These days, it's up to us parents to figure out how much time our children can spend in front of screens without developing a hunchback or becoming socially awkward. The other problem is that most of us have no idea how to limit our own media use; how in the world are we supposed to set a good example for our children? In the sky, we construct airplanes. Applause for the grandparents who are always trying to give their grandchildren their old cell phones and tablets. To my fellow parents: Have you experienced that glorious, technology-free morning? Well, that lasted all of two seconds, thanks to Grandma showing the grandchildren a video of a woman on YouTube slicing squishies with long nails. Perfect. (And, you guessed it, that does exist.)

Conversations Regarding Sensitive Issues.

Growing up, I never heard a single word my parents said about racism. This could also mean agreement. In the case of sexism, either. Also, harassment or intimidation. Suicide is another option. Neither my friends nor I ever spent a Sunday night at a protest, much less having deep discussions about complex problems related to human rights. No one talked to each other since we were all glued to America's Funniest Home Videos. The closest anyone in my family ever got to discussing racism was cracking racist jokes, and every time I heard one I felt ill to my stomach. In addition, I'm quite aware that my upbringing is typical for many middle-class white kids. Yet, we modern parents are expected to not only understand these ideas, but also to instruct our children on how to navigate a society that is flawed in the ways listed above. We all know that we have to speak the exact opposite of what our parents told us at some point, and many of us are trying our hand at having these difficult talks. Something kind and inclusive that can serve as a catalyst for positive change and lasting harmony. Something that can help the next generation unwrap the complex environment their parents and grandparents created. Without trying to put undue pressure on you, the next generation, just know that we are counting on you to fix the mistakes of decades past.

Taking a Philosophical Approach to Raising Children.

Did your parents give any thought to how they were raising you? Did they make an effort to validate your feelings as a child and discipline you in a way that would benefit you rather than damage you? No, they did not, and I'll tell you why. They reacted to our requests and emotions on the spur of the moment, without pausing to analyse their words or actions. Something that was excellent for them was also detrimental for us. They did not put in a lot of time at the library reading through microfiches that purported to reveal the key elements of effective parenting. They didn't divide themselves into cliques depending on who else had a Snugli or who could calmly reprimand their children. How a person raised their children was viewed as the least interesting aspect of their character back then. Traditional families also don't take the time to compare the local educational institutions to find one that's a good fit for their child. It wasn't their job to figure out how you learn best, and they weren't paying attention for long enough to notice. Furthermore, they did not consider how their behaviours (or lack thereof) would influence your sense of security or your bond with your sibling(s). Latchkey kids (raises hand) know what it's like to be in the jungle in Lord of the Flies, where everyone is out for themselves and you wouldn't dare call your parents at work to report anything because they'd tell you to shut up even if you'd just been handcuffed to a closet rod for an hour "Please, you guys, figure this out. Stop calling, please." We are the first generation to consciously consider (overthink) the way we are raising our children. While this may ultimately prove beneficial, it has made it more difficult to take pleasure in parenting.

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Soliciting Advice From Our Medical Professionals

No books on sleep, weaning, first foods, vaccinations, breastfeeding, or natural treatments for childhood maladies on our parents' shelf. Everyone in the neighbourhood went to their doctor, so they just asked. There were no online forums to post questions on, evaluations of local businesses to peruse, or web searches to conduct. It's amazing to consider how much mental effort they avoided expending. Additionally, unless you had a particularly badass mother, we didn't witness our mothers question or even refuse standard procedures or enquire about other alternatives. In most cases, we observed a dynamic in which the doctor (often a man) was in charge, his opinion was final, and patients did as he said. Should it come as a shock that modern birthing women are frequently unsatisfied with their experiences? We have modern knowledge (which is really old knowledge) about what's best for mum and baby, but we lack the confidence to speak out when something isn't in line with that knowledge or to ask for a change. We didn't ask for this and now we have to battle for the right to express ourselves. And it's the same way at the pediatrician's office. As parents, we have to learn by doing how to best advocate for our kids in the world.

Many children's issues can be traced back to inadequate parenting on the part of their parents. I say that knowing there are many amazing parents out there who are doing their best to guide their children towards a good life. They're doing it in a setting that isn't exactly designed with children in mind. This already challenging task has become much more so due to the widespread presence of sexual and violent media on television, in video games, in movies, and on the Internet. The truth is that today's and yesterday's youth are exposed to and aware of too much. In this day and age, youngsters as young as six and seven have a greater breadth of knowledge than my high school peers and I did at the same age. That is just how things are in the modern world. There is no longer a need for us to hire babysitters because we can rely on TV, video games, and the Internet. Especially when there isn't an adult there to filter the content of what they see and hear, young sensitive brains are vulnerable to manipulation.

Bringing up children has always been challenging. Raising my brothers and me through the 1950s, 1960s, and 1970s was no easy task, and neither was raising our own four children through the end of the past decade and the beginning of this one. Let there be no doubt: caring for young children is a full-time occupation. Some may disagree, but every parent who has stayed up late with a sick kid, or helped with schoolwork, or made an effort to be at every school activity, or dealt with the onset of hormones and all the other numerous problems that come up while you're raising kids, knows what I'm talking about. Being a good parent takes a lot of time and effort. But if your efforts pay off and your kids turn out to be good, contributing members of society, then it's all worth it.

Too many mothers and not enough fathers are a major contributor to the difficulties of parenting. Much of this, unfortunately, is happening in our urban and minority areas, where adolescent pregnancy and unwed births are epidemic. And yes, it is happening in the broader/white areas as well, but not to the extent that it is happening in our inner-city communities, where poverty, lack of education, and lack of jobs are all too widespread despite the apparently favourable economic times. Far too many young men are fathering children and far too many young women are giving birth without fully appreciating the time, energy, and dedication required to raise a child. Many of the young males I see around town are black, have little education beyond high school, and believe the world owes them something because they are unable or unable to work. This twisted way of thinking contributes to the degeneration of entire towns and neighbourhoods.

Indeed, there are numerous examples. You shed concealed levels of self-centeredness. Even if you think your heart is very open, it will crack even more when you meet someone who loves you like no one else ever has. The purpose of life knocks you above the head and leads you respectfully, reverently, and eventually, gratefully, to your knees. New and deeper meanings of the words patience, resilience, sacrifice, and perspective defy your former understandings.

The lack of parenting skills among many of today's young mothers and fathers contributes to many of the issues evident in dropout rates and crime. Because they themselves were raised by inept adults, they have no concept how to bring up a family. The ability to parent well is dependent on one's exposure to and association with other parents who do so. Children tend to model their behaviour after that of their parents. Young people look up to their parents and aspire to emulate them, especially if their parents have instilled in them the discipline and values they'll need to succeed in life.

The recent trend of younger generations having more children is problematic. Many of the young women bearing these children treat it as if it were some sort of accomplishment to be able to carry two or three young children without the help of a male carer. My bad news is that it's not anything to be proud of. While there are many things that go into raising a child, the most important thing is having a mother and father who are dedicated to their relationship with their child and will provide them with the love and discipline (emphasis on discipline) that will guide their development into productive adults and contributing members of society. It's tough to become a good parent if you've never had a solid role model. It's also challenging to be a decent parent in the modern world, where children are constantly taught to view themselves as adults on par with them. That person is neither your peer nor your friend. When it comes to raising kids, I've discovered that a theocracy with compassion is more effective than an unrestrained democracy. Being a responsible and caring parent takes dedication and effort.